Busy, Just Busy

This week is full, this week is packed.

To start me and CJ have to finish up the odds and ends of the fundraiser we are holding, TOMORROW, yes i said TOMORROW!

And after that, it leaves me two and a half days to practice for the drag show I am performing in, on Saturday!

There is not enough time for anything, and i am irritated which, let me tell you is wonderful, it really makes everything all the much more fun! ha ha!

Life is crazy, Life is good, Days are long, and nights to short!

Short and sweet!!!!!!

A-RAE

What sound does a horse make. . .

Oh the weather outside is. . .

Well it's not bad if you subtract thee ridiculous amount of snow that covers, well that covers everything.

So anyways, as me and my pretty lady were both relaxing on my no work day and her delayed work day, we were goofing around, singing and dancing. As she began to dance with me she started singing, ride the pony riding the horsey, ride the horsey.

At this point i'm cracking up laughing hysterically, as is she.

So as an even funnier joke i started dancing with her and started singing just what she had moments before, and as i sang ride the horsey, she started going nah nah nah like how a horse sounds, i could not hold it together . . . i busted a gut laughing hysterically at this, and i can definitely say the same for her!!!!

Chef of the Century!!!!

To add to the wonderful night which included the delighful dog peeing everywhere just a few nights ago, i would like to humor you all with continueing the night.

So while we were cleaning the house i thought it would be a wonderful idea to marinate chicken for dinner, i took a little bit of red wine, a little more soy sauce, alot a bit of garlic, garlic salt, and seasoning salt.

Hey it sounded good at the time!

I proceeded to let it marinate for two hours.

The time went by and as my pretty lady continued to clean i decided to start dinner. I sauteed some more garlic, and threw the chicken including the marinade into another pan with about a quarter inch of water in it and i started cooking. I burnt the garlic, but other then that it smelt so good.

Until it was done.

I took a small piece and fed my sweetheart, the initial facial expression was good until it sunk in and her face turned into shock.

I told her to be honest, and she was.

I hadn't realized it previously but i had added so much salt it was over baring. I tried a piece and she wasn't kidding she was actually under exaggerating, it was aweful, so i decided to rinse it off, yes i said rinse it off, i don't know what i was thinking but, when it was done it tasted a little better, but was still just awful.







So we finished our cleaning and went to TACO BELL!
Don't laugh your just jealous!


A-RAE

The end to a wonderful day. . .

A clean house

Christmas decorations up and beautiful

A night full of the endless river of .............................. dog piss

In the living room, in his bed, side of the bed, back in the living room, through the hallway, in the kitchen, and once again at the foot of the bed.

I can understand the first time and maybe the second, but when i wake up at five in the morning to the dog peeing at the foot of the bed, i don't get that. I don't get why he would pee in his own bed, i don't get why he would insist in peeing in his happy place, i just don't get it.

But we made it through the night, to wake up bright and early for the first day back at my full time job in five days, not very happy due to the lack of sleep from having to deal with the dog's desire to urinate everywhere.

But the day went by, and we made it through.

A-RAE

Looking forward, and holding on. . . .

Life is hectic, life is crazy, life is good, life just is. . .

Weeks ago i get a call at work from the wonderful lady that i share my life with, and she is excited (i think, it was a bit confusing) She was asked to become a Christmas Warrior for a little girl in the Ukraine who has down syndrome and mild CP, she was presented with the opportunity to raise money for this little girl to get adopted.

This beautiful lady that i spend my life with proceeded to ask if it would be a good idea, if she should do it, i knowing how much she already has on her plate became very uneasy about saying yes, but i agreed. Followed by me agreeing was her saying she wants me to do it with her, now i'm all about doing what she likes and supporting her however i can, but i wasn't sure about the help, these things get stressful and can put a strain on a relationship, and it has.

It's nothing to extreme but it's so frustrating, she is such an independent person that i don't know where the boundaries are, where i should step in and where i should step back, what i can do and what she is doing. So i have stood back most of the way, but i do want to help. I am and will be here no matter what she asks me to do for it.

We are looking for items for our silent auction that will be held December 16th at harmony cafe in down town appleton, and we are also looking for sponsors as well.

We will do what it takes, i have no doubt in the world that we will accomplish everything we have set our minds to do.

This may be difficult and it may be hard but we will do it, we are already on our way, and no matter how difficult this gets, it may just be a blessing in disquise, it may test us, stress us out, and have us on the brink of who knows what but it will allow us as a couple to blossom and grow, and understand eachother!!!!!


A-RAE

I just didn't know!!!!

My whole ides to blog today was to blog about my dislikes in certain situations, and jealousy, and how my jealousy is perceived, but quite honestly i just can't, at least not right now. So instead i will blog about the things i have said, or haven't said, and things you shouldn't say when someone tells you they love you!!!!!


What i have said:

 I love you!

1. I know

I love you!

2. That's good


What i haven't said but shouldn't

I love you!

3.That's Sweeet!

I love you!

4. Great

I love you!

5. we need to talk

I love you

6. I'm sorry


These are just a few, leave me a comment and tell me what you think shouldn't be said when someone tells you they love you!!!!!!!!

A-RAE

Good Choice. . .

I FINISHED MY AFGHAN!!!!!!


Two legs so i can walk with you
Two ears so i can hear the truth,
Two arms that i can wrap you in,
Two eyes that i can see you with.

Ten fingers to lace in your hand,
Ten toes to dig with you into the sand,

 One stomach for butterfly's when you call,
One heart to love you through it all.


-----------------------------------------------


When your crabby when your happy when your emotions are up and down,
You can smile you can laugh you can even wear a frown.
I will be beside you when the sunshine fades away,
Or through the hottest weather, or the coldest day.

You are my everything my breath of fresh air,
You are amazing, your loving, you care.
I love everything about you, your smile your charm,
When your around i don't feel i can be in harm.

I couldn't express enough how i truely feel,
Just know forever this love is real.
True love, In love, Love of my life.
One day we will have a baby, one day you'll be my wife.

Until then this is good, i take that back this is great,
We were brought together, it's a wonderful fate.
Baby, Sweet heart, My Pretty lady listen here,
I LOVE YOU! and i will every second, minute, week, month, year!


A-RAE

Reassurance

You can never say you love me enough,
Every time you say it, it feels like the first.
I need to hear it all the time, i need to know it always.

I am unsure, i am scared, I am in love,
I am not your enemy, i am not against you.
I am your friend and your partner.

I am insecure with things, I am always on your side,
I will help you with everything, i want to be involved.
I need to know you want me involved and you don't want to do it yourself.

I'm afraid you don't need me, or want me,
but i know you do.
You are not alone though.

I need to hear all the things, the things that i do
that give you butterflies.
All the reasons that you love me.

The reason's i make you laugh, why it's me you want
when you cry.
I want to know everything you think about us.

I want to know what i do that you love, and not
everything,
But the specifics of the everything.

I need to know it's about us, not just you
and i do know this but more often
then not i want to hear it.

I want alot of things and some,
I can't believe i would even ask,
But i did, and here it is!

I want to know all about the love you hold
for me, and for us.
And why you want to grow old with me.

Why you want to start a family with me,
why you want to be my family.
I want to know everything.

And one day when you get the chance,
I will be waiting, open arms and open ears.
I will listen, and then. . .

Then i will tell you all i believe, all that i think,
All that i love about you, about us.


You are my love, the love of my life.
I will grow old with you, I will have a family with you.
I will spend the rest of my life with you.

You are beautiful, and I love you!!!!

A-RAE

Hooker!!!!!

Breath taking beauty, so full of life, and talented.................CJ!!!!!!!

When me and CJ got together, i was all about doing what she was into, as she was into doing whatever i was into! This didn't work out so well because neither of us wanted to make any decisions, because neither wanted to choose something the other wouldn't enjoy doing as much, and it was all about what the other wanted. NOW, we haven't come out of what some people call the honeymoon stage we just have learned to compromise, and make decisions, well some decisions i should say, " What's for dinner " is still a question we cannot seem to come to an arrangment with, I don't care, she doesn't want to choose, we give options, we don't care, we just need to eat, and we give up and go to taco bell! OK thats the general standard of what happens.

Anyways what i was getting at, CJ makes afghans, she crochette's a very large part of the time, and as interesting as it is, it can only hold my attention so long before i start kissing her, and cuddling her, and not keeping my hands to myself, and that just gets me into trouble when she has an afghan to get done, for a deadline. I continued to be a bother for quite some time, until i told her i wanted to learn, i wanted to be a HOOKER!

So we sat down one night and she started showing me how to do a triple stitch, woah i was lost, i had not a clue, singles, doubles, links, chains, there was so much to learn, so much to do, so many weird positions to put my hands into. So she decided to show me a simpler stitch, the single stitch. I proceeded to catch on pretty quickly, and started going at a decent pace, i then proceed to without anymore instruction to do a double stitch and a triple stitch, and when i showed my pretty lady she was so proud and amazed, i got butterflys!!!!!!!!!!!

So after getting the hang of all of this, i decided i was going to make an afghan.

NINE SKEENS OF YARN, NEARLY THREE MONTHS INTO IT, AND I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE SECTION (which is one skeen of yarn) A BORDER, AND TYING IN ENDS AND I AM DONE!!!

Way larger then i planned, more yarn then thought would be used, more time, patients, effort, and love has gone into this afghan, then i ever imagined would.

I am so proud of myself thus far, and i feel very accomplished. When i completely finish this afghan i will post a picture.

It's beautiful, it's unique, it's my creation, I just hope that the person recieving this afghan truely understands what this afghan represents!

A-RAE

Alot of Thinking

Thirteen years old.

He's thirteen years old!

I can't believe he turned thirteen.

My Girlfriends son is thirteen!

I could keep going on and on about how he is THIRTEEN!!!!!!

But i won't, i will however dedicate this blog to him!!!

Dear My Little Baller,

You are unbelievable, your humor, and your personality, absolutely dumbfound me. I am so happy to have you as my little baller. Your mother loves you so very much, i love you so very much, we are so very proud of you. Thank you for being you!

Love, Big Baller


It is just astounding, but amazing!

. . . . BEAUTY . . . .

Family life is all backed up, it's crazy and insane. Well that is with my mom, sister, brother, father, my family, not with me and CJ. Life with us is going very well, aside from my sicky face of a girlfriend, and the family being out there, life is great!!!!

I love my pretty lady, i love us, we are amazing, we are silly, we are goofy, we are weird, we are in love. It's everything, it's the late night talks and the way she looks at me, it's the feelings i get every time she walks into a room, or kisses my cheek, or nuzzles up to my neck when she doesn't feel good. It's everything.

It's our love, it just does something to me, just sends a shock right through me, oh i can't get enough, of this everyday love!

She's so sweet, she is so beautiful, she makes me want to be better, to do better, to be the best i can be. I'm starting to see what she see's in me which is a very difficult task, she is everything to me, and i am so in love with her, more in love with her then i thought i would ever be.

I am so happy, I am in love, and i can't wait to see what our future holds, what our lives together will bring.


I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY, YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING, FOREVER!!!!!!

XOXOXOXO

A-RAE

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH BABY!!!!!!!!!!

The question has arrived, BABIES? Will CJ and I have kids, will we have our own or adopt?

We decided i would have the privilege of blogging on this topic!!!!!

Babies: itty bitty little hands, tiny little toes, peach fuzz hair, late nights, early mornings, feeding time, growing up, the crys, the laughs, the giggles, kisses, rasberries, scraped knee's, school, and the most important is LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

The answer to the question is YES OF COURSE. Eventually we will have a baby, we have a list of things that we need to get done before the idea of a child is possible but yes yes we will. We both can't wait for the opportunity to raise a child with the other, in one of our cases with someone at all. . . . i love you my pretty lady.

As far as if we will have our own or adopt, i want to have a child of our own, not that i have a problem with adoption, it's just the way i see it is that there are so many people in the world that can't have kids, i don't not want to if we are able.

So yes, babies will one day be one the way, and we can't wait!!!!

What blogging is to me!

Blogging is an expression, a release, a way to put all that i feel, see, do, and am into words. It's emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, dreams, goals, hopes, its everything. Its everything because i choose to make it everything. I could sugar coat the truth, tell you the wonderful story "everyone" wants to hear, but i won't do that. I could make my life the worst i possibly could to make my life seem worse then everyone elses, but that would be lying. I choose to be honest, i choose to tell all that my life is because to me life just is. . .  Everyone has one, everyone has up's everyone has down's everyone has a life, i'm just willing to share all that my life holds on my blog.

Blogging is a freedom of speech, freedom to say whatever i want, whatever comes to mind. I enjoy blogging so very much, i love that i was introduced to this exciting opportunity.

A-RAE

Letter to everyone, positives for ME!!!!

My Girlfriend posted a blog earlier today, telling everyone to blog about their warm fuzzies, about strengths, what makes them great people, the positives that make them, them.

I then realized how difficult this task would actually be. It's hard to find the positives, when you seem to spend your entire life having everyone around you criticize, ridicule, and tear you apart. You can only spend so long denying what they are saying, and in a just telling them off, until slowly but surely you start to believe the things they are saying, before you start to think of yourself the way which seems like the entire worlds thinks of you.

You have a hard time making friends, they say your annoying, they say your no good, and worthless.

You have your teachers who don't take the time to help and instead just tell you your lazy, stupid, and good for nothing.

You have guys telling you your to fat, your to ugly, your only a lesbian because you can't handle what they've got, your a slut, your a whore.

You have girls who tell you your nasty, your wrong, your a fag, dyke, butch.

You have your mom who expects you to turn out like your drug addict, alcoholic, stripping sister, that you'll never amount to anything, your a failure, that you will never be good enough.

You have counselors who tell you your crazy because you act out, or aren't acting "normal" and try to drug you "normal".

But this blog isn't about the negatives, this blog is a letter, a letter to everyone who has spoken bad to me, or to others about me.

Here's to the people who denied my friendship, who said i was to annoying, well guess what, its your loss, i am the friend you always wish you had, the careing, considerate, sincere, heartfelt, loving, listener that you will never find in a friend, because they only come around every so often, and you passed on my invitation to friendship.

Here's to the teachers who told me i was lazy and didn't listen, the truth is i listened to every word you spoke, and the problem wasn't my listening, it's not being taught how i need to learn, i was an exceptional student, i cared very much about my work, and i did amazing with the opportuities i was given.

Here's to the guys that told me i was fat, ugly, slut, and couldn't handle what they have got. I am far from fat, i'm not a twig but i am as perfect as an imperfect being can be, i am not a slut, i am so proud of myself, as many lesbians have given in to and tried sleeping with a guy i never have, i am a gold star lesbian, i didn't get sexually active until i was seventeen years old and not until i was in a relationship, and the reason i am a lesbian has nothing to do with the package you carry, it's because i need to show women how they're really suppose to be treated.

Here's to the girls who told me i was wrong, gross and nasty, I am not wrong, and if that was only said because you were straight and i was talking to you, listen to this, just because your female doesn't mean everyone has a thing for you and just because i'm a lesbian doesn't mean i have a thing for every women. I am not nasty i am beautiful in my own ways, i am sweet, i am tender, i am the greatest me i can be.

Here is to my mother, I AM NOT MY SISTER, i am your other daughter, i have achieved so much i have done my best, i have succeeded, i am not a fialure, I am wonderful, i am great, i have the ability to connect with people in ways others can't imagine, i am and will become all you failed to see and help me be when i was younger. I am smart, i am a winner, i am more then even i thought i could be.

Here is to all those counselors, and psychiatrists, that thought another medication would help, who were only worried about getting paid. I'm not crazy, i'm not normal, i don't want to be normal, i am me, i'm not like everyone else and i love that about myself. Normal is a matter of opinion, and right now my opinion is the only one that matters. I wouldn't be the way i am if i had taken your opinion and i love who i am.

Here is to everyone, Never listen to the negative. It's not worth your time to listen to the negative. The positive is what matters, so remember your beautiful, amazing, wonderful, smart, interesting, loving, and everything those people who are talking negative wish they could be.

I am, all of those things and more, i have a heart full of love, and open arms to all who need them, i am the best me, and the only me i can and will be, and thats good enough. . . . no wait thats great enough for me.

A-RAE

BOO!!!!!!!

October is right around the corner, which with it comes sweatshirts, chilly winds, beautiful sky's, falling leaves, Halloween, and best of all haunted houses. I LOVE haunted houses, and haunted woods, they are all just so thrilling. I cannot wait to be able to take my girlfriend to a haunted house, she hasn't been to one in, well she can't even remember exactly when, but just as i do she loves them and i am going to take her back to something she enjoys so much.

It's the thrill of them, it's the scare, or sometimes lack there of a scare, but its the going in standing tall, saying i am not afraid, it's waiting then, waiting for the one thing thats actually going to scare you, oh i just love them. It's the excitement of the holiday, It's something to do as the weather cools down and fall actually begins to look like fall.

There is only one other thing during this month and season besides haunted houses that is a must to do, and that would be pumpkins, i love carving pumpkins, i love how they look as they light up with the candle inside, and the best part of carving pumpkins are the pumpkin seeds washed seasoned baked, it doesn't get any better then that.

I love October, i love Halloween, I love fall, and most of all i love spending this time with my beautiful girlfriend.

Challenges

I would like to say that i understand everything, BUT then i would be lying, and i am not a liar, nor do i like liars though i don't believe many people do. Anyways the reason i make this statement, is because i didn't realize until recently how just asking questions can deture an entire fight or argument. Instead of blowing up and getting mad, and just opening up to the fact that there is an explanation, and a very good explanation at that.

This has challenged me greatly, in my past and quite recently too, but instead of blowing my lid i calmed down and decided to ask questions. Now the person being questioned doesn't always feel the same they may jump into the defensive aspect about things because they feel it's a process of doubting them. Which may not be your intention but it happens. I realized you just have to stay calm listen and try to understand.

I may not understand everything, or even very much but the first step for me was to try to understand instead of getting angry or fighting about the things i don't or didn't understand.

This is just going to be short and sweet, a thought for the day.

A-RAE

LIVE!!!!

Work your ass off, Dream as large as you can, be the best you that you can be, keep your head up, remember the important and the small events as well, be true to yourself and to others, believe in yourself and others, be you, find you, remember who you are and what got you there, be open minded, treat yourself even if nobody else does, take care of yourself, take care of others, love others, love yourself, don't regret, party hardy, live big, never forget, open your heart, be remembered, be friendly, kiss passionately, love your body, feel the sensitivity and intensity, get to know people, let them know you, when things are right let down your wall, be careful, be rough, keep your head high, fly, dream, see the world, Everyone is different , everyone similar, just live, live, live, live, live your life and do it however you want.

A-RAE

DrEaMeR, BeLiEvEr, AcHiEvEr

Beautiful dreams, filled with love,
These wonderful pictures on the wall above,
The sound of her heart with my head on her chest,
It all gets blown away though, here is the best.

It's the look in her eyes, the smile on her face,
It's the sound of her voice, and how her lips taste,
It's my knees getting weak when she walks in the door,
Or when we bowl and she gets the high score.

It's her smile, it's her kiss, it's her laugh, it's her love,
It's knowing deep inside our love is enough,
It's how she holds me when we sleep,
It's knowing her i will always keep.

Its the silly moments, and the serious just the same,
It's how i get butterfly's when she says my name,
It's the way she looks when she just gets out of bed,
Oh how i love that, with her sleepy eyes and frizzed up head.

It's when were driving in the car and she leans over so close,
and whispers in my ear i love you the most,
I disagree we both laugh in love there is no less or more,
We both agree and proceed our love is to the core.

It's easy to be in love with her, even when we fight,
My biggest thing that i love most is when she kisses me goodnight.
Its a must i do proclaim a kiss goodnight you see,
For i can dream beautiful dreams filled with love by her and me.

Realization

I met this women, this intelligent, amazing, beautiful, and full of life women, and with this women i started a relationship. It started out so simple, girl likes girl, with fire in our eyes, love in our hearts, and each other always on our minds, it was wonderful, great, everything i wanted or so i thought.

Then i met her son again, and this time not as a friend of his mom's but his mom's new girlfriend, this was big for me I've never been with anyone who has kids, i was scared, i was nervous, i was intimidated, i was worried. I didn't know how to act, i didn't know what to say to a twelve year old boy that i have only met once before, i don't know what he likes to do, what he would think of me, and worst of all if he would be anything like i was when i was his age and my mom was dating, and if he was i was not prepared for that, not prepared at all.

Then i met her daughter, and her daughter i have met a few more times then her son, but still i had all those feelings rush through my mind and body again, but her daughter was an even bigger trick, her daughter is five, that's not the kicker though, it gets scarier her five year old red headed spit fire of a daughter has down syndrome, i have never been around a child with a mental disability and its overwhelming, it's terrifying. I didn't know what special things needed to be done with her, if treatment with her needed to be different, what she can or can't eat, can or can't do, i was lost and i was petrified.

Then i started getting to know her son more, and if me and his mother ever went out i was sure to make sure he was welcome to come, that was the biggest mistake the guys my mom dated when i was younger made they didn't invite me to go with ever, they wanted my mom all to themselves and that wasn't alright, she was my mom and they were taking away my time from her, so i vowed i would not make her son feel the same way, and he appreciated that very much. I told him as well right off the bat that though he had to respect me, and treat me as he would treat any adult that i was not there to be his parent, though he would have to listen to me i was not his mother or his father, i was simply there to just be his friend. We now have become so close, and we get along wonderfully, for the most part of course, there are always those ups and downs. He respects me and does what he is asked and we are just that we are friends which is what kind of relationship i want with him we have a very clear understanding that works for us both and its great.

Her daughter was another egg to crack, she is much younger then her brother and still looks at me as if i am taking her mother away from her, which isn't really the case but to any young girl who now has to share her mothers time with some new person in her life its understandable. She still doesn't like to follow any direction i give her, she likes to play the i heard what you said but i won't listen to what you are saying because i can and want to. It does get extremely frustrating at times but i know i just have to stay calm, and not get frustrated with her even though at times its extremely hard. She has grown attached to me a bit we do have our bonding times even though its not as often as i would like sometimes, and she normally pushes to have her mother do everything she isn't able to do, but most times she will give in and let me help her instead.

So in this new relationship i have had to learn about this new women who has been through so much in her life who has had her life turned upside down on her so many times and has had everything she had ripped away from her again and again, and who has even more then that pulled her life together, has been an amazing mother, a wonderful nanny, an outstanding friend, and has started a project for kids who have down syndrome all over the world. The project is called the T21 Traveling afghan, she crocheted one afghan  that was just to travel to her friends that she had met through the internet whom also had children with down syndrome, and it has turned into this huge project. For one week each family which is now up to two hundred and eleven families will have the traveling afghan and its journal and will take pictures of there child with down syndrome and they are all posted on the projects website. This is just amazing and it gets even bigger, this women donates her time to make any kid their own afghan, all it costs is the money for the yarn and shipping, she has made so many already and there are so many more to be made.  I have already gotten to know so much about her, and there is still so much to learn, but on top of having to make a relationship work with this unbelievable women, i also had to work on a relationship with her two kids. As scary as it all was, and still at times is, it is more then i expected, it isn't what i thought i wanted but i couldn't imagine life any differently.

As simple as it started, and as complicated as it got, Everything happens for a Reason and i'm happy with how everything worked out. I now have this amazing women as apart of my life, but i also have her two outstanding kids in my life as well.

I wouldn't change this for anything!!!

A-Rae

Picture Perfect

Fake a smile, take a picture, and then its back to reality? Everyone can look picture perfect, i mean add some nice cloths, a smile, and a sweet pose, and its perfect. . . picture perfect! But reality is, is that nobody, no family, no couple, no lifestyle, nothing is perfect . . . but it sure can look that way!

Behind the smiles, Behind the nice cloths, and the sweet pose, are imperfections, everyone has them, the key is to face them. But what one see's as an imperfections, others may not.

• Me being gay is an imperfection to some but to me being gay is perfect, i would make a very bad heterosexual!!!
• My hair being short could be an imperfection, it is great to me though.
• I can be stubborn
• Emotional
• Temperamental
• Crazy
• Loving
• Needy
• Optimist
• Sarcastic

All these things could be imperfections, but thats the thing about love. . . No matter how imperfect you may be the power of love is to see an imperfect person perfectly. . . You have got to love someone to deal with the over barring, hostile, crazy aspets of a relationship with someone. I know my girlfriend puts up with some s**t with me, but she loves me anyway and i love her!!!!!!

Things get rough, things get hard, but facing, dealing, and accepting what happens is a way to a healthy relationship. Turning away, not talking about, yelling instead of just talking doesn't fix the problem nor do you get a chance to face whats bothering you, which lets things bottle up and get out of hand.

EVERYONE can look picture perfect but EVERYONE has imperfections!!!

Thanks A-RAE

Scared!!!

Life is scary! There are so many questions that will never be answered! What do i want to be when i grow up? Whats considered grown up? Where will i be in two years, where will i be in five years, where will i be in ten years? What will become of me? Will i have kids, will i get married, will love last? Am i strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown my way? Will i be happy? What will i regret if anything? What mistakes will i make? Will i go to college? Will i figure out what i want to go to school for? Will i succeed? Will i fail? Where will my niece be, how will she be, what will she be doing? Will i do my best by the kids? Will i make a good mother? Will i travel? Will i every sky dive?

I mean i could just go on and on. . . Life is scary and i think that is a large part of why people fail, if you don't face it you can't succeed. I'm afraid i won't succeed, i'm afraid of failure. On the outside everything with me looks fine, i have happiness i have love, but deep inside i'm scared i'm honestly petrified, i'm scared to death of what the future holds, what i will be, if i will be good enough.

I know i know i only have to be good enough for myself, but thats worse pressure then having to be great for everyone else, my standards are so much higher for myself, when i believe its good it has to be done better it has to be great! Its not good enough if its not great, I want to be great, fantastic, amazing, great, it may be an unattainable goal but i will always reach for that, because one day when the impossible happens it will be that much more worth it.

Its the journey to the destination that scares me, then there is the problem of once you get to your success how to keep yourself successful, what if i make it then i fail, what if i push so hard and just fall short of my goal, what if, what if, what if?????

The fact of life is there will ALWAYS be what if's ALWAYS! Everyone is scared, what they are scared about may be different but everyone is afraid of something to do with life. . . and thats ok!!!!

I know i need to let my guard down, push myself, hope for the best and expect the worst, because the only thing worse then trying and failing is not trying at all. I need to be strong, and do my best, because if you do your best you can never fail. . . .

Well there's a few random thoughts for the day!!!

THANKS A-Rae

Life just is. . .

Life just is. . . life is complicated, scary, amazing, frustrating, life just is all of these things and so much more. . . Everybodies life is different, everybodies life is normal, everybody is somebody, and just being somebody is great!

I am somebody, You are somebody, The girl you saw walking down main street two weeks ago that you don't remember seeing is somebody, you may not know what kind of somebody they are but they are somebody, somebodies sister, daughter, mother, aunt, cousin, grandmother, friend, teacher, partner, it doesn't matter they were, they are somebody as are you and me!

Everybodies life is normal, normal yes i said normal, and if you question that this is what i mean. . . normal is what you make it, normal is what you are used to, normal is whatever anybody wants normal to be, because to you, and to me they may not seem normal but to them, to their lifestyle they are normal and who are we, who is anybody to judge normal, because honestly to those people that may be judged and questioned about how normal they are, we may not be normal, we may be weird, strange, or even out of the ordinary?

Honestly who is to judge anybody on anything, the color of there skin, whether there male or female, and my biggest is the sexual orientation of others. Who somebody is with is nobody elses business, the only difference between a straight relationship and one between two men or two women is what happens behind the bedroom doors and it nobody elses business. I am dying for an answer to this question of mine, " Why do a bunch of straight men, and women, or anybody for the matter get to vote whether or not a gay/lesbian couple can get married, did they get to vote whether the straight couple should have that opportunity?" don't get me wrong i don't oppose straight couples i just don't see why they get more rights then everybody else, and "If there is freedom of religion why do they base what marriage is about on what the bible says?" Anyway enough of me babbling on about that lets find something else. . .

Alright here we go, i guess with this being my first blog i should tell you about myself well more or less how i see myself!

• I make sense to me, and that is the only person i need to make sense to
• I am honest
• I choose to do what i believe is best not necessarily what turns out to be the best
• I care about others more then i care about myself, and my feelings
• I am outgoing
• I am up for anything
• I would do anything for anyone if they needed me, even take a bullet for my worst enemy
• I am a lesbian
• I am very emotional
• I am starting to love myself more fully but its a pcocess
• I love meeting new people
• I am who i am, i don't change for anyone
• I avoid judging people because i don't want people judging me
• I have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, but that will come with time
• I know i will be great one day, and i'll be ready when that day comes
• I believe life just is. . . it just is how it will be

The world keeps spinning no matter what happened to you, no matter who's life was tragically taken, no matter where you are or what your doing, the world is always spinning. There is no need in worrying about anything you cannot control, it won't change it. Life just is. . . it is how you make it, or in some cases how you don't. Just be true, honest and real to yourself, do your best, try your hardest, and you'll never have to regret anything.

All is fair in love and war, all unfair in life!

Thanks A-Rae