Letter to everyone, positives for ME!!!!

My Girlfriend posted a blog earlier today, telling everyone to blog about their warm fuzzies, about strengths, what makes them great people, the positives that make them, them.

I then realized how difficult this task would actually be. It's hard to find the positives, when you seem to spend your entire life having everyone around you criticize, ridicule, and tear you apart. You can only spend so long denying what they are saying, and in a just telling them off, until slowly but surely you start to believe the things they are saying, before you start to think of yourself the way which seems like the entire worlds thinks of you.

You have a hard time making friends, they say your annoying, they say your no good, and worthless.

You have your teachers who don't take the time to help and instead just tell you your lazy, stupid, and good for nothing.

You have guys telling you your to fat, your to ugly, your only a lesbian because you can't handle what they've got, your a slut, your a whore.

You have girls who tell you your nasty, your wrong, your a fag, dyke, butch.

You have your mom who expects you to turn out like your drug addict, alcoholic, stripping sister, that you'll never amount to anything, your a failure, that you will never be good enough.

You have counselors who tell you your crazy because you act out, or aren't acting "normal" and try to drug you "normal".

But this blog isn't about the negatives, this blog is a letter, a letter to everyone who has spoken bad to me, or to others about me.

Here's to the people who denied my friendship, who said i was to annoying, well guess what, its your loss, i am the friend you always wish you had, the careing, considerate, sincere, heartfelt, loving, listener that you will never find in a friend, because they only come around every so often, and you passed on my invitation to friendship.

Here's to the teachers who told me i was lazy and didn't listen, the truth is i listened to every word you spoke, and the problem wasn't my listening, it's not being taught how i need to learn, i was an exceptional student, i cared very much about my work, and i did amazing with the opportuities i was given.

Here's to the guys that told me i was fat, ugly, slut, and couldn't handle what they have got. I am far from fat, i'm not a twig but i am as perfect as an imperfect being can be, i am not a slut, i am so proud of myself, as many lesbians have given in to and tried sleeping with a guy i never have, i am a gold star lesbian, i didn't get sexually active until i was seventeen years old and not until i was in a relationship, and the reason i am a lesbian has nothing to do with the package you carry, it's because i need to show women how they're really suppose to be treated.

Here's to the girls who told me i was wrong, gross and nasty, I am not wrong, and if that was only said because you were straight and i was talking to you, listen to this, just because your female doesn't mean everyone has a thing for you and just because i'm a lesbian doesn't mean i have a thing for every women. I am not nasty i am beautiful in my own ways, i am sweet, i am tender, i am the greatest me i can be.

Here is to my mother, I AM NOT MY SISTER, i am your other daughter, i have achieved so much i have done my best, i have succeeded, i am not a fialure, I am wonderful, i am great, i have the ability to connect with people in ways others can't imagine, i am and will become all you failed to see and help me be when i was younger. I am smart, i am a winner, i am more then even i thought i could be.

Here is to all those counselors, and psychiatrists, that thought another medication would help, who were only worried about getting paid. I'm not crazy, i'm not normal, i don't want to be normal, i am me, i'm not like everyone else and i love that about myself. Normal is a matter of opinion, and right now my opinion is the only one that matters. I wouldn't be the way i am if i had taken your opinion and i love who i am.

Here is to everyone, Never listen to the negative. It's not worth your time to listen to the negative. The positive is what matters, so remember your beautiful, amazing, wonderful, smart, interesting, loving, and everything those people who are talking negative wish they could be.

I am, all of those things and more, i have a heart full of love, and open arms to all who need them, i am the best me, and the only me i can and will be, and thats good enough. . . . no wait thats great enough for me.

A-RAE

BOO!!!!!!!

October is right around the corner, which with it comes sweatshirts, chilly winds, beautiful sky's, falling leaves, Halloween, and best of all haunted houses. I LOVE haunted houses, and haunted woods, they are all just so thrilling. I cannot wait to be able to take my girlfriend to a haunted house, she hasn't been to one in, well she can't even remember exactly when, but just as i do she loves them and i am going to take her back to something she enjoys so much.

It's the thrill of them, it's the scare, or sometimes lack there of a scare, but its the going in standing tall, saying i am not afraid, it's waiting then, waiting for the one thing thats actually going to scare you, oh i just love them. It's the excitement of the holiday, It's something to do as the weather cools down and fall actually begins to look like fall.

There is only one other thing during this month and season besides haunted houses that is a must to do, and that would be pumpkins, i love carving pumpkins, i love how they look as they light up with the candle inside, and the best part of carving pumpkins are the pumpkin seeds washed seasoned baked, it doesn't get any better then that.

I love October, i love Halloween, I love fall, and most of all i love spending this time with my beautiful girlfriend.

Challenges

I would like to say that i understand everything, BUT then i would be lying, and i am not a liar, nor do i like liars though i don't believe many people do. Anyways the reason i make this statement, is because i didn't realize until recently how just asking questions can deture an entire fight or argument. Instead of blowing up and getting mad, and just opening up to the fact that there is an explanation, and a very good explanation at that.

This has challenged me greatly, in my past and quite recently too, but instead of blowing my lid i calmed down and decided to ask questions. Now the person being questioned doesn't always feel the same they may jump into the defensive aspect about things because they feel it's a process of doubting them. Which may not be your intention but it happens. I realized you just have to stay calm listen and try to understand.

I may not understand everything, or even very much but the first step for me was to try to understand instead of getting angry or fighting about the things i don't or didn't understand.

This is just going to be short and sweet, a thought for the day.

A-RAE

LIVE!!!!

Work your ass off, Dream as large as you can, be the best you that you can be, keep your head up, remember the important and the small events as well, be true to yourself and to others, believe in yourself and others, be you, find you, remember who you are and what got you there, be open minded, treat yourself even if nobody else does, take care of yourself, take care of others, love others, love yourself, don't regret, party hardy, live big, never forget, open your heart, be remembered, be friendly, kiss passionately, love your body, feel the sensitivity and intensity, get to know people, let them know you, when things are right let down your wall, be careful, be rough, keep your head high, fly, dream, see the world, Everyone is different , everyone similar, just live, live, live, live, live your life and do it however you want.

A-RAE

DrEaMeR, BeLiEvEr, AcHiEvEr

Beautiful dreams, filled with love,
These wonderful pictures on the wall above,
The sound of her heart with my head on her chest,
It all gets blown away though, here is the best.

It's the look in her eyes, the smile on her face,
It's the sound of her voice, and how her lips taste,
It's my knees getting weak when she walks in the door,
Or when we bowl and she gets the high score.

It's her smile, it's her kiss, it's her laugh, it's her love,
It's knowing deep inside our love is enough,
It's how she holds me when we sleep,
It's knowing her i will always keep.

Its the silly moments, and the serious just the same,
It's how i get butterfly's when she says my name,
It's the way she looks when she just gets out of bed,
Oh how i love that, with her sleepy eyes and frizzed up head.

It's when were driving in the car and she leans over so close,
and whispers in my ear i love you the most,
I disagree we both laugh in love there is no less or more,
We both agree and proceed our love is to the core.

It's easy to be in love with her, even when we fight,
My biggest thing that i love most is when she kisses me goodnight.
Its a must i do proclaim a kiss goodnight you see,
For i can dream beautiful dreams filled with love by her and me.

Realization

I met this women, this intelligent, amazing, beautiful, and full of life women, and with this women i started a relationship. It started out so simple, girl likes girl, with fire in our eyes, love in our hearts, and each other always on our minds, it was wonderful, great, everything i wanted or so i thought.

Then i met her son again, and this time not as a friend of his mom's but his mom's new girlfriend, this was big for me I've never been with anyone who has kids, i was scared, i was nervous, i was intimidated, i was worried. I didn't know how to act, i didn't know what to say to a twelve year old boy that i have only met once before, i don't know what he likes to do, what he would think of me, and worst of all if he would be anything like i was when i was his age and my mom was dating, and if he was i was not prepared for that, not prepared at all.

Then i met her daughter, and her daughter i have met a few more times then her son, but still i had all those feelings rush through my mind and body again, but her daughter was an even bigger trick, her daughter is five, that's not the kicker though, it gets scarier her five year old red headed spit fire of a daughter has down syndrome, i have never been around a child with a mental disability and its overwhelming, it's terrifying. I didn't know what special things needed to be done with her, if treatment with her needed to be different, what she can or can't eat, can or can't do, i was lost and i was petrified.

Then i started getting to know her son more, and if me and his mother ever went out i was sure to make sure he was welcome to come, that was the biggest mistake the guys my mom dated when i was younger made they didn't invite me to go with ever, they wanted my mom all to themselves and that wasn't alright, she was my mom and they were taking away my time from her, so i vowed i would not make her son feel the same way, and he appreciated that very much. I told him as well right off the bat that though he had to respect me, and treat me as he would treat any adult that i was not there to be his parent, though he would have to listen to me i was not his mother or his father, i was simply there to just be his friend. We now have become so close, and we get along wonderfully, for the most part of course, there are always those ups and downs. He respects me and does what he is asked and we are just that we are friends which is what kind of relationship i want with him we have a very clear understanding that works for us both and its great.

Her daughter was another egg to crack, she is much younger then her brother and still looks at me as if i am taking her mother away from her, which isn't really the case but to any young girl who now has to share her mothers time with some new person in her life its understandable. She still doesn't like to follow any direction i give her, she likes to play the i heard what you said but i won't listen to what you are saying because i can and want to. It does get extremely frustrating at times but i know i just have to stay calm, and not get frustrated with her even though at times its extremely hard. She has grown attached to me a bit we do have our bonding times even though its not as often as i would like sometimes, and she normally pushes to have her mother do everything she isn't able to do, but most times she will give in and let me help her instead.

So in this new relationship i have had to learn about this new women who has been through so much in her life who has had her life turned upside down on her so many times and has had everything she had ripped away from her again and again, and who has even more then that pulled her life together, has been an amazing mother, a wonderful nanny, an outstanding friend, and has started a project for kids who have down syndrome all over the world. The project is called the T21 Traveling afghan, she crocheted one afghan  that was just to travel to her friends that she had met through the internet whom also had children with down syndrome, and it has turned into this huge project. For one week each family which is now up to two hundred and eleven families will have the traveling afghan and its journal and will take pictures of there child with down syndrome and they are all posted on the projects website. This is just amazing and it gets even bigger, this women donates her time to make any kid their own afghan, all it costs is the money for the yarn and shipping, she has made so many already and there are so many more to be made.  I have already gotten to know so much about her, and there is still so much to learn, but on top of having to make a relationship work with this unbelievable women, i also had to work on a relationship with her two kids. As scary as it all was, and still at times is, it is more then i expected, it isn't what i thought i wanted but i couldn't imagine life any differently.

As simple as it started, and as complicated as it got, Everything happens for a Reason and i'm happy with how everything worked out. I now have this amazing women as apart of my life, but i also have her two outstanding kids in my life as well.

I wouldn't change this for anything!!!

A-Rae